Wednesday, October 29, 2014

How To Recognize and Kill Monsters

We all get scared occasionally by something that goes bump in the night. Usually, upon investigation, we realize there is nothing there but the fence gate blowing in the wind or the broom that has tipped over. But, what do you do when there is actually something there? Here are some tips on how to recognize the most common monsters and how to kill them to save yourself and your family.

VAMPIRES. Vampires are dead and damned creatures of the night feeding off of the blood of the living. They are very strong and can sense fear, being able to find you even if you are hidden.They can also hypnotize you if you look into their eyes and make you do whatever they want. Vampires usually have a pretty charismatic personality, so they are going to have a lot of followers and fans (a lot of dumb teenage girls mostly). A vampire's skin is very pale and cold to the touch, and they do not cast a shadow: they will also not leave a reflection in the mirror either, so a small hand mirror will be a good thing to have on you at all times. They have very sensitive noses so they avoid strong smelling things like garlic and onion. A wooden stake through the heart is the best way to kill these blood suckers, but silver, sunlight, holy water and fire will also do the trick.

MUMMIES. Mummies are the dead who are being protected by a curse and are usually only out to get the person who broke into their graves, but they will kill anyone who gets in their way. They are pretty easy to recognize as they are covered in bandages from head to foot and smell like an old musty moth ball. You shouldn’t have to worry about these bad boys unless you are sleuthing around some old Egyptian tombs, but just in case, the best way to dispose of them is to burn them. As part of the mummification process the bodies are soaked in resin and wrapped in bandages, making them the perfect tiki torch. There is also tale you can unwrap their bandages and this will break the spell and kill them. I don't know about you, but I'm going for the fire. I don't think the thing would sit still long enough to be completely unwrapped.

ZOMBIES. There is some controversy on what actually causes zombies. Some believe it's government conspiracy and experiments, others a virus. There were even early theories of meteor radiation. These types of zombies are highly contagious if they bite you, so extreme caution is advised. There is also a wicked kind of zombie that is made purposely by someone with an ax to grind, using voodoo. Whatever the cause, the outcome is bad, and you need to know how to protect yourself. First and foremost, print out my "How to survive the Zombie Apocalypse" poster and follow it to be prepared: you can never be too prepared! Zombies have dead looking eyes, rotting flesh and smell like a pot roast left in the sun for a couple of days. They cannot talk, only grunting and groaning as they stagger down the street. Killing a zombie is tricky business because these guys swarm and are rarely alone. You are going to have to be in good shape (so start hitting the treadmill now) and you are going to have to be quick. They only way to put a zombie down for good is by destroying their brain. A double shot to the head with a shotgun works best, but anything will do - just make sure to make mince meat out of that brain.

WEREWOLVES. A werewolf is a fairly normal person most of the time and is only a threat during the full moon - then it's one nasty SOB.  When that full moon hits it's game on. Unfortunately the poor sucker infected doesn't have a clue what is going on while in his wolf state and is only out to hunt. This is the only time a werewolf is infectious as well, so be extremely careful not to get bitten. Obviously a werewolf is easy to spot during the change, if the wet dog smell doesn't give them away then the fur coat will. It's recognizing these guys the entire rest of the month that's difficult. You have to have incredible observational skills: the infected will have an irrational fear of anything silver, a predisposition to crave rare stake and there will be absences during full moon, followed by sleeping for days and unexplained scratches and injuries. Werewolves are obviously easier to kill in their human form, but you better make darn sure you are correct in your assumption Aunt Mae is in fact a werewolf before offing her. Silver is the best way to kill a werewolf: bullets or grandma's good serving set are a good start. You have to remember however, that you are dealing with a rabid dog, so it's best to have something that can be used from a distance. Chopping their heads off works too - I mean, there isn't much that can survive once the head has been chopped off.

GHOSTS. These are the spirits of the unrest. Usually they have some unfinished business, and if you are able to communicate with them and find out what they need you can help them out and send them on their way. Other times they are just pissed off and wanting to take it out on anyone who happens along. Several signs you are looking at a ghost: you can see right through them, they continue to cut in and out of your vision like bad reception, if you are looking at your cousin Seth who died last year in a hunting accident, or if they are dressed like they just came out of a bad 80's movie (as a ghost will be dressed in the clothes they died in) you can be pretty sure its a ghost. Also, if you have a pet pay attention, cats and dogs are more sensitive to the afterlife and can sense when a presence is in the room. Salt will repel a ghost temporarily, but not kill it. Keep some handy as this will at least protect you and buy you some time. Sometimes a ghost won't even know it's dead, so try talking with it. Maybe you can let it know and tell it to find the light. If that doesn't work, here are a couple more drastic measures you can take. There are several exorcisms that can be performed to force an entity on it's way, so you might have to start hitting the books to find one appropriate for your situation. Burning the bones of the diseased will also do the trick, if you know exactly who is haunting you and where they are buried: could be a great night time date. Also, be advised on the Top 10 Most Haunted Places in America

WITCHES. Okay, here's the thing about witches: these idiots are monsters by choice. They weren't infected by some government conspiracy, bitten by a rabid dog or killed tragically only to be stuck with unfinished business. They are bad because they enjoy being bad and know a lot of fancy words to make bad things happen. Black magic is their weapon of choice and they very efficient at  using it. There are some interesting ways to tell if someone is a witch. First, weigh them (if you can somehow get them to agree to step on a scale - good luck with that!). A witch is as light as a duck: the theory being that if they are lighter than a stack of bibles then there is guilt of evil doing. As a matter of fact, witches are repulsed by the Bible, so if you have one handy toss it over to the person suspected of witchcraft and see what their reaction is. Other signs are moles or any unusual markings and birthmarks on the skin - these are all marks of the Devil. If you see the person talking to themselves a lot this is another give away, as they are probably reciting incantations. Burning a witch at the stake is the most popular way to rid the world of this evil, but really anything will do as a witch is just a normal human being who knows a lot of spells.

Hopefully this will keep you and your family safe and sound this Holiday season. Next time something goes bump in the night you will be ready to go.

No comments:

Post a Comment