The day we met our baby girl was a day filled with emotions. Most of which we had never felt before. It's hard to look back on that day without tears coming to my eyes. I can see it like it was just yesterday. Every feeling and every moment of that day is ingrained into my heart and mind.
My husband and I had just finished a long day of work remodeling a house. We came home exhausted and found the message on our answering machine that we had been waiting for. The baby was on it's way! We were ecstatic! All we could do at this point was wait. Obviously it was so hard to go to sleep, but we tried. I laid there and wondered what was happening at the hospital. I wondered if our birthmother was okay. I wondered if the baby was okay. I wondered what she would look like.
At 3:00 am we both suddenly woke up. Ten minutes later, the phone rang. I made my husband answer it because I was too emotional to talk. It was our daughter's birth grandfather. He was calling to let us know that the baby had just been born, everything was fine, and he was looking at her right now. We could hear her crying in the background. Our arms never felt more empty.
We were so grateful that they were kind enough to call us and tell us what was going on. We had made arrangements for what would happen when she was born a couple of weeks prior. We agreed to let our birthmother have the hospital time to herself, and we would meet them at the agency for placement when they were released from the hospital. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned because our daughter inhaled some of the meconium during birth. It was causing an infection in her lungs, so she had to be put in the NICU for a few days.
That call was a hard one to get. Although we knew the baby was in good hands with her birth family and the hospital, it was difficult to just sit at home and not run to my baby. But, we tried to stay calm. Then the hospital started calling us and asking us how we were going to pay the bill and telling us we needed to sign the adoption papers right away. We hadn't even seen our baby and they were being so pushy. I decided to go out and mow the lawn. I was mowing as fast as I could while my mind was spinning.
Our daughter's birth grandmother pulled into the driveway. I was so happy to see her. She came to show me some pictures of our daughter, and tell me that we could come down to the hospital and see the baby. I was so happy and relieved in a way, but I was feeling pain for the birthmother and her family because things were not going as planned.
I called my husband, he left work, and we drove down to the hospital. Walking down the hallway of the hospital was long because we didn't know what we would find at the end. I wanted so much to express my love and concern for our birthmother, but I didn't know how. When we got to her room, she seemed to be in good spirits and that was relieving. The whole family was so sweet to us.
They took us to the NICU to see the baby. We had to scrub and put gowns on. Then we walked to her space and inside the curtain. There she was, our sweet baby girl! We walked over and touched her tiny feet and hands. She was covered in cords and oxygen tubing, but looked really good. I got to dress her and feed her, and then we just held her and kissed her, and hugged her. It felt real and unreal at the same time. We loved her so much already.
Then, it was time to sign the adoption papers. Our birthmother had to go first and it was very painful for her because first of all, she was in actual pain and she wasn't allowed any pain medication because she needed to be completely "coherent". Second of all, it was emotionally painful for her. We weren't in the room, but it was very hard to see her go through that. When it was our turn we did feel a lot of excitement because it made this so much more real. Then, we had to say goodbye to our baby and go home.
We were able to visit a couple more times at the hospital, and bring a couple people with us. Those few days passed slowly, but we were glad that our baby was going to be okay. We planned to have an official placement at the adoption agency when she was released from the hospital. I will be sharing our placement experience next week.
I often wonder what it would've been like to actually give birth to a baby and have her be all ours from the very beginning, but that is not how it happened, and I am okay with that now. I have accepted that our story is different than most. We did not see her growing inside of me. We did not see her birth. She did not come from my body, but she is ours just the same. She has grown inside my heart and has become so much a part of me and my husband that we couldn't imagine our lives any different. We love her more than words can say.
That call was a hard one to get. Although we knew the baby was in good hands with her birth family and the hospital, it was difficult to just sit at home and not run to my baby. But, we tried to stay calm. Then the hospital started calling us and asking us how we were going to pay the bill and telling us we needed to sign the adoption papers right away. We hadn't even seen our baby and they were being so pushy. I decided to go out and mow the lawn. I was mowing as fast as I could while my mind was spinning.
Our daughter's birth grandmother pulled into the driveway. I was so happy to see her. She came to show me some pictures of our daughter, and tell me that we could come down to the hospital and see the baby. I was so happy and relieved in a way, but I was feeling pain for the birthmother and her family because things were not going as planned.
I called my husband, he left work, and we drove down to the hospital. Walking down the hallway of the hospital was long because we didn't know what we would find at the end. I wanted so much to express my love and concern for our birthmother, but I didn't know how. When we got to her room, she seemed to be in good spirits and that was relieving. The whole family was so sweet to us.
They took us to the NICU to see the baby. We had to scrub and put gowns on. Then we walked to her space and inside the curtain. There she was, our sweet baby girl! We walked over and touched her tiny feet and hands. She was covered in cords and oxygen tubing, but looked really good. I got to dress her and feed her, and then we just held her and kissed her, and hugged her. It felt real and unreal at the same time. We loved her so much already.
Then, it was time to sign the adoption papers. Our birthmother had to go first and it was very painful for her because first of all, she was in actual pain and she wasn't allowed any pain medication because she needed to be completely "coherent". Second of all, it was emotionally painful for her. We weren't in the room, but it was very hard to see her go through that. When it was our turn we did feel a lot of excitement because it made this so much more real. Then, we had to say goodbye to our baby and go home.
We were able to visit a couple more times at the hospital, and bring a couple people with us. Those few days passed slowly, but we were glad that our baby was going to be okay. We planned to have an official placement at the adoption agency when she was released from the hospital. I will be sharing our placement experience next week.
I often wonder what it would've been like to actually give birth to a baby and have her be all ours from the very beginning, but that is not how it happened, and I am okay with that now. I have accepted that our story is different than most. We did not see her growing inside of me. We did not see her birth. She did not come from my body, but she is ours just the same. She has grown inside my heart and has become so much a part of me and my husband that we couldn't imagine our lives any different. We love her more than words can say.
Julie, this post is very touching. I can say that many of the emotions that you went through waiting for Jade, those of us who have given birth have had those same emotions. With the exception of actually going through birth, you have experienced everything that the rest of us have. And, if you look at Jade with you and Weldon, it is so obvious she is yours, even down to her looks. She just chose a different avenue to get to you. Thank you so much for sharing your story!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
ReplyDeleteGreat post Julie. "Our arms never felt more empty." Wow. That's powerful.
ReplyDelete