Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Man Cave: A Salon Guide for Men

My wife owns a hair salon. That being the case, I've probably spent more time in a salon than most other men. Sometimes I'm in there doing manly stuff: painting, plumbing, wiring in lights. Other times I'm there for my regular cut, or to sit around and fraternize with her customers. But other times - secret times - I sneak down there for a li'l something extra. Sometimes a guy just needs a girl's day, ya know?

There is no shame in a red-blooded male enjoying some salon services every now and then. It shows that you can be in touch with your feminine side, and chicks dig that. After 25 years I've tried just about everything. Here are my five favorites:

5. Foot Scrub. Sheer bliss. It's like those little salt crystals are scrubbing my stress away. Don't go for the pedicure though. Having somebody else cut my toenails freaks me right the heck out.

4. The massage chair. Massages for married men are a no-win scenario. Total Kobayashi Maru. Having a woman massage you makes you feel like you're cheating, and having a man massage you just (not that there's anything wrong with that). What is a married man to do? Well hello electronic massage chair! I'm so glad you came into my life. Let me sit in you and play with your buttons, guilt free. Oh massage chair, you always know just how to touch me. People can talk about us. They can say that what we share is wrong, but I don't care anymore. I can't quit you.

3. Highlights. Getting highlights is my favorite kind of torture. I get to put on a plastic cap and try to sit still while Kathy pokes my head with a sharp metal instrument for 20 minutes. With each poke a tiny perforation is made in the cap, which a little section of my hair is yanked outward through. As the process progresses my head gradually takes on the appearance of a barbie doll with half her hair missing. That is the cool part. Then the bleach is applied, after which the cap is removed, and I emerge looking sexier than ever.

2. Scalp massage. I get to lay back in a reclining chair while Kathy stands over me and rubs my head with shampoo until I'm almost ready to fall asleep. Do I love it? Duh.

1. Paraffin dip for hands and feet. My absolute favorite salon service, bar none. Wicked, sinful deliciousness. I am both a guitar player and a runner, and this deep-heat treatment feels simply fabulous on my fingers and toes. I love dipping my hands in the paraffin until they look like a wax sculpture. Then, after ten minutes or so in the mittens, you get to peel the wax off like snake skin. Totally cool. As an added bonus, my skin then feels silky soft and smells of lilac.

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