Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Man Cave: Ten Tips to a Manlier Thanksgiving

For many Thanksgiving is the forgotten holiday...the middle child in the Holiday family. Not for me. I love Thanksgiving. It is my favorite holiday. You get all the perks of Christmas and none of the hassle or pressure. There is very little home decorating, and maximum opportunity for manly pursuits.

Here is how you do it:

10. Even in this, the most low-key of holidays, there is still an element of danger. Prepare a safe-zone in your house ahead of time; a place of solitude to retreat to when things get out of hand. Backs of closets, hidden corners of garages, and tool sheds all work well. Disclose its location to no one. Stock it with pop, dinnerware, an iPad or X-Box, and napkins. It is here you will come when your brother's kids are going insane, grandma wants to tell you about passing her kidney stones, or your siblings start arguing about whether the moon landing was a hoax. Just take your plate, say "I'm going to grab some more stuffing"...and vanish.

If you are having Thanksgiving dinner at someone else's house, plan for the safety of your loved ones ahead of time by agreeing on a set of codewords. For example "Extra gravy please" could mean "don't eat this is nasty!" "You have such a sweet home" could mean "the sooner we get out of here, the better!" Never use "I'm going to grab some more stuffing" as a codeword. It will only confuse the man of the house.

9. Throw a football around. Drag some family members into the backyard with you, or better yet: organize a Turkey Bowl game with a bunch of friends. If it's muddy, so much the better.

8. Deep fry a turkey. In grease. Lots of really, really hot grease. Deep fried turkey is pure crispy deliciousness. Be careful...and go for it. The more health-conscious members of your family will make a fuss. Retaliate by assigning them and their Tofurkey to the kiddie table.

7. Stick olives on the ends of your fingers, all ten. Eat them off. This is not immature, and it is not unsanitary. Ignore anyone that tells you differently.

6. Watch a football game. Absolutely mandatory.

5. Notify the women in the family that will not be accompanying them on the their Black Friday shop-fest at 4:00 tomorrow morning. There is no discount big enough, no electronic gadget necessary enough, and no experience social enough to get you out of bed early on a day when you can sleep in. This one is easy...the girls will be more than happy to leave you at home.

4. Pumpkin pie.

3. Watch a movie. Take a movie-nap. Don't fight it. Tryptophan is a wonderful thing.

2. Chocolate pie.

1. Midnight snack. Make some mini-sandwiches out of leftover dinner rolls and turkey. Then pie. Can't decide between chocolate or pumpkin? You know what to do.


  1. I love reading your posts - they always make me laugh!

  2. I don't know what you mean? I find the arguments on moon landings most entertaining:) I love to argue with family members;) Great post! I am not a man but I am going to follow these ten steps...minus the black Friday part...I'll leave Scott at home.

  3. Yes, Thanksgiving is great!
    Now that your mom is here, the moon landing gets brought up at our dinner table at least a few times a month. (mostly by me and Weldon, but she opens it up to a comment) You can probably plan on it for Christmas since Glen and Mom will both be there. Maybe you better have an alternative subject in the back of your mind to discuss. That is if we can even hear eachother talk over Weldon's sound system demo's. Otherwise you can go hide out in the wood shed and chop some wood. That's pretty manly. Very funny post.

  4. Wait a minute....was the moon landing a hoax???????!!!!! :)

  5. Depends on what crowd you are hanging with... whoda thunk - lol!